Next

No dates are currently brewing, so I browse. Most of these men are one of the following (or an unpleasant combination of one or more of these things):

• offshore worker
• military
• ugly
• socially inept

Please don't misunderstand. I like military boys just like the next girl, but they're usually just stationed near me only for a short time. Why would I want to pursue a relationship with someone who's gonna be living on the other side of the country next month?

You've read how much I like roughnecks. I do. I love a hard working man. Bring on the work boots and calloused hands, please and thank you. However, I don't necessarily want to date someone who works offshore, mainly because of their schedules. I realize that works for some people, but I am not one of those people.

I will not defend ugliness or social retardation.

Occasionally, I stumble upon a profile that has only one picture to represent the candidate...one picture with several people in it. That's not fair. Which one are you???

So I'm flipping through profiles, flirting like crazy, trying to make something happen. Now comes the agonizing wait for response. Sometimes you get a "No Thanks" e-mail; sometimes you get nothing. I prefer nothing to a no thank you. I don't understand the people who don't respond in any way. I can see that you've been online and you know I'm interested. There's no way that you're out of my league, right? I've (facebook equivalent of) poked 33 people. I've gotten 6 "No Thank You" e-mails. What about the rest of you fellas? Am I gonna have to get ballsy and write e-mails? This blows.

The pressure of the pre-date e-mailing is disgusting. You ask logistical questions and get logistical answers. Snore. Once you get past all that boring stuff, you may begin to cultivate a fondness for one another based solely on a little shallow, electronic flirting. Seems harmless enough. When you write an e-mail, you can take your time. You can rearrange your sentences (over and over), double check your grammar (if you know how) and correct your spelling (if you're keen enough to realize you've spelled things incorrectly).

*Side note for all you novice-computer-users who want to date me: Spell check will work in your favor. keds ≠ kids. thim ≠ them. ezey ≠ easy. spind ≠ spend. Et cetera and so forth. You may be a very hard working, upstanding gentleman of a fella, but it's really difficult to get past these glaring mistakes. Please try to clean things up a bit.

E-mailing also affords the opportunity to spare yourself any embarrassment caused by over-exposure (that is, talking too much). You can't do that in regular conversation. Sometimes after I speak, the ridiculous nonsense that comes out of my mouth seems to float in front of my face for a few agonizing seconds and then crack like an egg over my head. It's nice to avoid that feeling.
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I've been recognizing people from my dating service when I'm out on the town. Some of them aren't as good in real life as they seem online...but there's one fella who seems better in real life. I've been trying to flirt with him subtly (well, last night I bought him a drink. that's not very subtle.) but he seems kind of shy. He must not check his account very often because I flirted a little with him online the first day I saw him in real life (weeks ago). If I end up going on a date with him, would that still be considered internet dating? After all, initial contact was made in real life...

Not internet related at all, I exchanged phone numbers with two different boys last night. What's all this about? That never happens. The first one (as far as I can remember) was good-looking and nice and I hope will take me to dinner soon. The second: I can't decide how much of his story I should tell. I want to tell everything I remember, but I may have to take down the post if he finds out about it. So I'll post it seperately.

Noodles

Jim seemed to chatter anxiously during that first phone call. I'm not a big phone-talker. I'll text you till my fingernails are broken but I do not like to spend a half hour on the phone making small talk. I talk on the phone to make plans to meet in person. Then the small talk can commence. This initial conversation with Jim lasted 20 minutes too long...so about 23 minutes total. I may have said 16 words (squeezed in edgewise) in that full 23 minutes. I was worried that I'd be nervous and wouldn't know what to do with awkward silences. Nervous, I was not. Annoyed, yes. My friends suggested he was just nervous. Sure, maybe he was nervous. That's right.

We settled on plans for dinner and a movie. (Cliché as it is, there was nothing else really going on in town that night. And I would soon be very glad about the decision to see a movie as it gave me an opportunity to not hear him talk.) I chose a place for dinner with low lighting and pseudo-romantic ambiance...with great veal.

I really like good food. More importantly, I like rotini. 

Rotini is like number 10 in the picture (it may actually be a picture of fussili, but they're so similar, I wouldn't know the difference). The noodles that were brought to the table with my veal were not 10s. They were 8s. Excuse me?

As the waiter, turned to walk away, I say (well, scream, I guess), "THIS IS NOT ROTINI." 

His eyes were big as saucers when he turned around. "Yes, it is," the young sassy thing replied. 

"NO sir, it is NOT. Rotini is tightly twisted. It is plain to see that this is a LOOSE twist, is it not?"

"Well, ma'am, that's what we've been serving as rotini."

"Hmph. Well, you can tell your management that this is NOT rotini and I am disappointed. I expected rotini with my veal."

As the waiter cowered off into the kitchen (where I presume he didn't tell the management that I was disappointed because no free drinks were acquired), I looked at Jim. 

I don't have words to describe his face. Astonishment? Embarrassment? Terror? Arousal? I can't say for sure. 

Oh my stars, I've just screamed at the waiter about my noodles in the first 20 minutes of my date. I could have crawled under the table. Instead, I sucked down my vodka tonic so quickly I got the brain freeze and apologized for probably 3 minutes. Then I decided to stop talking about the infernal noodles and ask this kid some questions. 

Within a few minutes of allowing Jim to talk about himself, he'd forgotten all about the noodle incident and seemed to become entranced with the sound of his own voice. He told me everything. Every bit of employment he'd had since he was 18, his salary at each job (including his current salary - in detail), all his ex-girlfriends' logistics and ethnicities.

"Another Vodka Tonic, please?" Number 3. 

(By the by, I was able to smooth things over with the waiter with a little innocent flirting. I'm irresistible, even when the noodles aren't quite right.)

My eyes were beginning to cross as he prattled on and on about watching Harry Potter in Spanish, about pranks he and his co-workers play on each other, about the driving he does all over the country for his work. Number 4, please. 

I should also mention that by this point I was sweating profusely. So sexy.

We met for dinner at 6:30 and the movie we planned to see didn't show until 10. What was I thinking? Oh, I was thinking we'd have plenty of time to discuss baby names and china patterns. 

As the evening crept on, I thought a good way to kill some time would be to go to the bathroom for a while and text all my friends about my current circumstances. But the bathroom in this place was absolutely sweltering, and I couldn't stand to stay in there longer than I needed for business purposes. When I walk out of the bathroom, there sat Jim. He'd moved from our table to sit at the table directly in front of the bathroom door. Startled, I almost groaned an 'oohgeez' accompanied by an eye-roll when I saw him sitting there. 

"I think they're ready for us to leave," he says. What? No, they aren't. We're giving them our money. There are still other people here. I didn't have it in me to argue. To the theater. 

We were early, of course, and sat awkwardly next to each other as we watched those stupid pre-movie commercials. And Jim talked. I couldn't tell you what he talked about during this time; I was doing my very best to keep my mind a complete blank so I didn't scream something about noodles or Harry Potter or vodka. 

The lights dimmed and the previews began. You know how the volume comes up when the previews are starting to let you know things are about to get serious? Know what that inspires? Jim to lean closer to my ear so I can hear him talking about the Mayan calender over the booming sound effects. When the movie started, I looked at him with big, obvious eyes and gave him a big, obvious "shhh." He didn't stop until he finished his thought. How terribly open-ended the evening would have been, had he not been able to finish telling me all the end-of-the-world theories of which he is aware.

I cannot say that he wasn't quiet during the show, but I will not lead you to believe that he said nothing. I ignored him. I divided all my energy between enjoying the movie (which I really wanted to see) and avoiding any physical contact with Jim (so as to not lead him on). He was all over my arm rest and I could see that he was trying to lean in for a hand-on-the-knee or some other variation of a movie-theater-move. But I was pulled in like a frightened turtle. 

We both enjoyed the movie and were able to talk about it all the way to our cars. I gave him the usually-meaningless sideways hug and shouted, "Talk to you on the internet," as I ducked into my car. 

There has been no further contact between Jim and Lucy. 

Internet date number one completed. I paid money to put myself through this?

Disclaimers

This is a dangerous game I’m playing. I’m bound to offend someone. If that someone is you, please stop reading my blog.

To my friends:

If you see me out on a date with one of these fortunate fellows, please don't mention this blog. They don't know they're part of a social experiment and I would like to keep it that way. Obviously, it would ruin everything.

I will tell a few stories that are not my own. I'll let you know which ones didn't happen to me, but if you recognize the story, please don't identify the guilty party.

I may exaggerate to juice up the story. Or just to be funny. And by exaggerate, I mean lie.

To my dates:

For those of you I have been on dates with, you are allowed to hate me even though I may have said I’d like to be friends. That’s probably not true anyway. I will be writing very embarrassing & humiliating things about you. I won’t ever use your name, but you will know who you are. If you would like to remain anonymous, I suggest that you don’t identify yourself by commenting about what a shallow bitch I am. This is all in good fun. Well, not really. It’s a laugh at your expense. I’m very sorry, but I have no choice.

I have made the moral decision (surprise!) not to write about any of these experiences while dating is in progress. That is, I will wait until things are done with the fella before I write about him. Should something magically materialize with my current man-friend, I would hate for him to read about himself here. If you are reading about yourself as the subject of my mockery, I'm sorry this is the way you're finding out, but I don’t think you’re the one for me. It won't be necessary for you to buy me dinner again. But thank you.

To Lucy:

This will be a great disciplinary tool for you. You have a hard time keeping your mouth shut about anything, especially when you’ve got a little booze in the hatch. But you will not be allowed to tell your dates that you’re writing this, even though it's on your mind. Don't show him the tape recorder you keep in your purse. Don't show him the jotted notes you have shoved in your iPod case. Would you like to be on a date with someone who tells you the story of the night will be plastered all over the internet? Well, I would, but most people wouldn't. Tick a lock.

To my mom:

Sorry about all this. I'm gonna be a lady someday.

Showcase

I'm pushing thirty, living with my parents & cuddling with my dogs every night. Things do not look promising on the homefront, so I've joined the masses despite my skepticism.

Step One: Create a kickass profile that will make me appear confident, entertained with my current life, far from desperate & not a heavy drinker. (By the way, it's apparently fine for men to drink "regularly" where women should only be "social drinkers." Strike one, Lucygirl.)

Building your personality resume is stressful and a little degrading. It's very easy to make your profile misleading, even if you don't intend to mislead. There's no charming way of saying, "I'm loud and obnoxious and my inside voice has bullhorn volumes. I get drunk in public and announce inappropriate details about my bathroom visits." So you figure a way to beat around the bush. (That's what she said.)

My profile includes the following information:

• I am "curvy." (I initially chose "a few extra pounds," but who's counting? You'd be surprised at the change in interested I received when this change was made. I've been getting a lot more attention since I converted! But I still don't really know the difference. I'm both curvy AND packing a few extra pounds.)
  
• I like to have fun. (I don't know how else to say "excessive drinking.")
• I am a social drinker. (What? I am. I'm just very social.)
• I go to church and I want to date someone who would like to go to church with me. (And drive me around after the excessive drinking. Er, I mean, "fun.")
  
• I like board games.
  
• I'm reading a book about serial killers.
  
• I smoked a lot of pot in college. (Why not include this?)
• I'm loud.
  
• I've never been married.
• I want to have children.

I have nine pictures uploaded in various stages of sobriety and weight flux. Keep 'em guessing, right? But at least all the pictures are of ME. A lot of the profiles I view have pictures of their kids (sure, that's nice), their dogs, places they've visited, their truck, their motorcycle. Am I going to date your motorcycle?

I digress (Lucy's had cocktails...and loves parenthesis).

So I put my profile out there once I've polished it up the best I know how. I'm ready for the world of internet lovers to seek me out, to swoon, to profess their need to be in my life.

For the first several weeks, it was gut-wrenching just to sign in. I was not yet brave enough to go showing my own interest in others, so I didn't really "browse" very much. Without me making the initial contact, no one can tell me straight out that they don't like what they see. However, silence is sometimes more insulting than dismissal. And that's what I got for the first three weeks: silence.

Oh, the pain, the agony of waiting. My pictures were good(ish). I was totally witty in composing my description. Maybe it was the church thing? Well, screw 'em. I go to church. And I'll want them to go too. They should know that. Surely that's not keeping them at bay...

Apparently, it just takes a little patience (what's that?). The e-mails soon began arriving. Is it against some kind of rule to publish them here? Defamation of character? Copyright infringement? Also, I'm a little drunk.

Slim Pickins

I always thought I’d be married by now. Instead I wait...

I expect a bright-eyed, broad-shouldered stud to stroll into my church on Sunday morning and become enraptured with my singing voice and chubby stage presence. He will insist on taking me to lunch where we will discuss our love of classic rock and meat-filled pastries. He will want me to go to his house (that sits proudly on an acre of land with a pool in the back) and watch the Sunday Law & Order marathon and drink gin & tonics for the rest of the afternoon.

This fella has not showed up yet.

I would like to be standing behind a roughneck wearing dirty work boots in the grocery store checkout line. He’ll notice me when he’s reaching for the peanut butter cups. He’ll see that my buggy is filled with all the components of chicken & dumplings and ask, “What time is dinner?” I’ll be able to see his dimples as he grins to wink at me. When I extend my hand to shake his and tell him the name that will make his heart swoon for years to come, I will see the wedding band shining so brightly, I have to avert my eyes and attempt to contain an audible sigh of disappointment.

I would even settle for, “I could hear you laughing two blocks away but I really dig your black t-shirt and cowboy boots. Is that a Purple Haze you’re drinking? Would you like a shot of Tequila?”

These things have not happened.

My singleness doesn't openly plague me. I'm not desperate to be with someone to avoid being alone. But I think I've met every single man in this town and not too many new ones are moving in. Turns out, there aren't so many fish in my pond after age 26. Slim pickins. (Hello, Deville!)

I have always been opposed to online dating; I want this to happen the old fashioned way (see examples above). The old fashioned way is just not panning out, so after much "encouragement" from friends and co-workers, I gave in. I now have an active 6 month membership to an online date service...and this is a whole different ball game. A spit-ball game. I don't like it at all, but I'm in. I've paid the money and am having a frightful time so I thought I'd write about it. If you're currently involved with such an online service, you will certainly laugh and cry and hurl with me. If you are not, consider this your warning.

When the online dating rage began years ago, I saw a talk show episode featuring couples who’d found love through cyberspace. My only memory from the program is of a very attractive couple: slim, well-groomed, successful, all smiles. And twitches. That’s right, folks. Twitches. The pretty lady sat patting the knee of her handsome beau as his eyes twitched uncontrollably the entire show. I remember thinking, “Well, I bet she didn’t see that online.”

You can say that you aren’t shallow or superficial, but when you meet someone in person – in real life – you see stuff like that immediately. You see broken teeth, lazy eyes, enormous face moles, dandruff. You hear lisps, stutters, excessive burping. You smell body odor, overwhelming cologne, bad breath. At which point – in real life – you can assess your degree of immediate shallowness based on other varying factors (their personality, your present loneliness, length of time since your last affectionate interaction, etc.). At the start of an online relationship, obviously, all of those things are invisible. The normal order of relationship development is reversed. This can get messy quickly and lead to unintentional head-games and crushed egos.

I've only been on a few dates so far, but the actual dates are only a portion of this process. However, the dates are what make the best stories. So as I make a mess of my mental health, I will attempt to rebuild my ego by telling funny stories about my unfortunate dating run.

Enjoy. Click "Follow." Comment. Stay tuned.